optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
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My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
Fights fire with marshmallows
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.