Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
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“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.