My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
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Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
*feels the wind in my toe hair
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”