My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
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The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
Twitter is the new flypaper.
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.