[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
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My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
I want this so bad
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
john wicks are toilet candles
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting