next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
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[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
This meal prepping shit is easy
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.