Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
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tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.