Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
You Might Also Like
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
Doormats are a gateway rug.
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.