Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
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friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume