Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
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Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
john wicks are toilet candles
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems