My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
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When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.