What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
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[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
This has made my week.
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!