I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
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ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
Message from the dog groomers
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
multitasking lunch
All excellent questions
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around