Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
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Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
this is the greatest thing ever
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?