no one likes gloating
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i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.