This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
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Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
Noah was an idiot.
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15