Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
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HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run