Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
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My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.