spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
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[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
Holy moly
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
My plans: 2020:
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.