SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
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me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”