My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
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[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
The opposite of Iceland is water water
no one ever comes back
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.