All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
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God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
This made me chuckle cuz mood
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.