I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
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“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.