We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
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My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
handsome & gretel
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you