Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
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My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.