Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
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back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
Hmmmmm
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.