Always be careful when you drink and laugh 馃ぃ
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You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
#NeverForget
Remember when we didn鈥檛 let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
Me My dog
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
SCHR脰DINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it鈥檚 another dead cat I鈥檓 going to be furious.
SCHR脰DINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don鈥檛 know until you open it.
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
My friend says her Dr told her she鈥檚 underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that鈥檚 why you鈥檙e fat
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They鈥檙e missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.