You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
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The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.