Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
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I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
*swipes right on my hand mirror
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.