A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
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My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
“How much is it to sign up for a library card?”
“It’s free.”
“But what does it cost?”
“Nothing, it’s free.”
“No, how much money is it to sign up though?”
“I swear it’s free.”
“Never mind, I’ll ask at the other desk.”
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
Great acting.. 😂
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
when i was on a menswear forum, a n00b claimed his shoes were handwelted, so an older forum member bought a pair of the shoes for $400, ripped them apart, and proved they were not handwelted, thus triggering a series of events that brought down a shoe factory in italy
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
This January has 47 Mondays
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.