I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
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if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
When news reporters do sports stories
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
A friend helps you before you need it
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day