If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
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“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.