Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
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opening a flower shop called women in stem
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.