My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
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“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.