I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
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Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
Otters drive ottermobiles.
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?