Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
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PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
My dad teaching me to drive
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.