My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
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How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
I found your tweet-up…
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
Actually cracking up @ this
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
Happy Thanksgiving
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no