It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
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I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.