I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
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you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
Hear me out. What if we don’t elect another president, and we all just promise to be really good?
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.