[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
You Might Also Like
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense