*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
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Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.