Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
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I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
With this onion ring, I thee fed
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”