Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
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COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.