I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
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Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you鈥檙e a pessimist.
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it鈥檚 intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
the world鈥檚 most popular steaming services
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It鈥檚 going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You鈥檙e making it worse.
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
When there鈥檚 food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh鈥e too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 馃槝
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 馃槈
Them: …many, many laws.
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
Next time your work asks why you鈥檙e calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won鈥檛 ask again.
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.