“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
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Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
mathematically impossible
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”