Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
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I have no idea what she’s talking about.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
New comic up. “Ransom”
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
Thinking about Jeff
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job