Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
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*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.