My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
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I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.