I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
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3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
Oh yeah that’s it
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx