my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
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What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.